Knuckleheads

Monday

Mon, 20 May 2013 11:21:00 GMT

A New York man is facing public lewdness charges after getting frisky with a stick of pepperoni at a grocery store. John Allison allegedly rubbed the pepperoni on his exposed genitals, then put the meat back on the shelf. He didn't realize that a security guard was monitoring a nearby surveillance camera and caught him in the act. The employee told cops that he was surprised when he saw what Allison was doing, saying, "I thought he was going to steal some merchandise. Instead, he undid what I thought might be his belt. I then saw him unzip his pants.” In addition to the public lewdness charges, Allison was charged with fourth-degree criminal mischief for damaging the pepperoni and making it unfit to sell.

The Doritos Locos Taco is probably the most successful new fast food item of the 21st century, as Taco Bell has sold half a billion of them in the past 14 months. But there might be trouble brewing, because a federal prison inmate is suing Taco Bell, claiming the idea was his. In a 35-page handwritten complaint, Gary Cole – who’s serving time at a supermax prison in Colorado – insists that he invented the Doritos Locos Taco and that Taco Bell stole the idea from him through the mail. He first wrote to the FBI demanding an investigation. He then sent a Freedom of Information Act request to Taco Bell demanding that they release all documents related to the invention of the Doritos Locos Tacos. After receiving no response, he filed the case in federal court – and will be representing himself.

Tuesday

Tue, 21 May 2013 11:18:00 GMT

A college student in Georgia who got an "F" in English made up for that by crafting an "A"-worthy piece of fiction – in which he faked his own kidnapping through a series of texts to his parents. Aftab Islam failed the class for the second time this semester, and decided he couldn't face the music, so he fled his home and set up a tent in the woods a few miles away – sending a message from the supposed abductors saying that he was being held captive and warning them not to contact cops. They did just that, of course, and investigators found that Aftab had purchased the phone used in the scam three days earlier. He has been charged with three felony counts each of false statements, tampering with evidence and terrorist threats – a litany that could result in jail time.

A Kansas woman could be called public enemy "number one" after she was busted for accosting an 11-year old girl and stealing ... her urine! Crystal Hopper allegedly grabbed the child at a gas station and forced her to pee into a cup – because she needed a clean urine sample to use for a drug test. Hopper had failed one test and insisted that the results were wrong, offering to submit another sample. The court agreed, but rather than risk using her own fluids again, the woman went in search of a fresh source. Hopper admitted taking the urine from the girl. She told detectives, “I don’t know why there was morphine in my urine ... so I asked her to pee in a cup, just in case.”

Wednesday

Wed, 22 May 2013 11:16:00 GMT

A Port St Lucie burglar has some jail time on tap after being nabbed during a police chase in which he paused mid-flight in order to steal a couple of beers from a house next to the one he'd just robbed. Cops spotted Andrew Fatzinger rummaging around a house and stuffing electronics and medications into a pillowcase before vandalizing the walls using markers and mustard. He pulled a T-shirt over his head and took off when confronted by officers who began chasing him – on foot and with an overhead helicopter. He nearly gave the deputies the slip, but instead of making a beeline for a hideout, he ducked into a second home and emerged carrying two bottles of beer. Fatzinger ran straight into the path of a police dog which apprehended him.

Charges are being filed in Pennsylvania against a man accused of stealing adult diapers from a pharmacy. David Milton of York was arrested after police say he took two packs of the diapers as well as some shoe inserts from a CVS. Employees called police and they took the 47-year-old into custody a short time later.

Thursday

Thu, 23 May 2013 11:28:00 GMT

A Maryland man who ran out of gas on an interstate decided to beat the boredom by setting up his drum kit to play at the side of the road. Cops spotted the man, who had pulled his entire kit out of the back of his vehicle to stage an impromptu concert on the shoulder of I-695. After a round of questioning, they determined he hadn't broken any laws and called a highway administration truck to refill his tank.

A student bringing an apple for a teacher is a good thing – but a teacher rubbing a student with his banana? Not so much. Jonathan Hampton, a former Florida teacher of the year in Marion County, was suspended for three days for the incident, which occurred, naturally enough, during a class on Freudian psychology for high school seniors. While the girl and her parents said the act of rubbing the banana over the girl's head was blatantly sexual, Hampton's lawyer says he only tapped the student to get her attention. Still, one student's grandmother said, "I don't think he should be allowed to teach kids. You don't do stuff like that and get away with it."

Friday

Fri, 24 May 2013 11:18:00 GMT

A Gulfport woman who got involved in a nasty fight with a neighbor decided to put a gnome to the dome – by smacking him in the head with a garden gnome from her yard. Lisa Buckley returned to her home and began shouting at the victim, whose name was not released. When things escalated, she grabbed the statue, which was decked out in New Orleans Saints gear, striking the man and opening up cuts on his ear and the side of his head.

An angry soccer fan in Argentina decided to literally give his favorite team a mouthful by tossing his false teeth onto the field during the game. The unidentified athletic supporter chucked the chompers after his team gave up a goal and looked to be headed toward their fifth consecutive loss. The set of teeth was one of many things being thrown on the field by the angry spectators at the stadium in Belgrano, and it's unclear whether the owner was ever able to get them back.